How NOT to Get Rid of Dry, Rough Elbows

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With hot weather already upon us and summer quickly approaching, I thought I should try to focus on making my skin looking better. I googled remedies for dry, rough elbows and scoured the internet for ways to make my elephant-skin elbows look nicer in short-sleeved tops.

One website recommended the following five ways:

  1. Dab on some petroleum jelly and put a sock on it.
  2. Grease ’em up with Zam-Buk.
  3. Apply Vaseline and then… take a shower
  4. Rub a banana peel onto your elbows
  5. Switch out your usual lotion for an emollient cream

After perusing the list, I realized I didn’t have any emollient cream, Zam-Buk, or bananas. And I didn’t want to cut off the ends of my socks. I was always losing socks, I didn’t need to voluntarily destroy a pair! So the only feasible option left to me was the third option, apply Vaseline and then take a shower.

According to the HuffPo piece, “Dr. Andrew Ordon of TV’s “The Doctors” introduced us to this unconventional method to treat dry elbows. According to the plastic surgeon, applying petroleum jelly before stepping into a steamy shower will help the moisturizer penetrate deeper into dry areas.

So, I decided to go ahead and do that. I played an episode of “The Graham Norton Show” for entertainment and started greasing up my elbows with Vaseline. It didn’t take long.

Then I thought, maybe I should wait a while for the Vaseline to be absorbed by my skin before immediately jumping into the shower? It couldn’t hurt, could it?

I sat there watching the show when another idea struck me. Why not put Vaseline on the rest of my arms? It wouldn’t hurt to have my entire arms feel silky smooth, would it? So the Vaseline spread from my elbows to the rest of my arms. I kept scooping it out and applying it generously over my arms.

Of course, I couldn’t stop at silky arms. Why not have silky smooth legs as well? Within seconds, Vaseline coated my entire body.

I stood for five minutes because I couldn’t sit anywhere. That’s when I realized I was desperate for a pee. But, covered in Vaseline, I didn’t want to risk getting it all over the bathroom. I decided to jump into the shower. I had waited long enough for the Vaseline to sink in.

Slightly antsy from the need to pee, I had another brilliant idea. Wouldn’t scrubbing my body with one of my amazing store-bought scrubs make my skin even more silky and smooth? And so, I opened the tub of my favorite exfolliating scrubs and began spreading it on top of my arms, on top of the Vaseline. And I proceeded to scrub, scrub, scrub at my skin.

Now as any person who has used a scrub before, you would know that most scrubs had the grainy pellets that remove the dry skin cells off your body. These pellets sank into the thick layer of Vaseline coating my skin as I continued scrubbing enthusiastically at my arms and legs, part of me excited at what amazing results I will be getting from my innovative idea and the other part still desperate to pee.

I realized I was in trouble when I had to wash off my amazing concoction. If you’ve ever tried to mix oil and water, you know they don’t mix. Water kept flowing over the Vaseline and refusing to get it off my body. Wiping at my slippery skin, I couldn’t make any traction in getting the oily layer off! What was worse, the pellets from the scrub had decided to unite with the Vaseline in their refusal to leave my body.

I kept wiping at my arms to no avail. I used my loofah and I still had pellets stuck on my arms and legs. I spent ten minutes furiously scrubbing at my body until I managed to make some headway. At some point, I had to pick out the pellets one by one just to get them off my body.

By the time I managed to jump out of the shower to pee, I was fit to burst! That may have been one of the longest pees of my life! My body still felt slightly greasy but after spending ten minutes scrubbing away at that crazy concoction, my arms were about to fall off.

Moral of the story: Think things through before you do them. And always make sure you pee beforehand!

Oh, in case you were wondering, my skin feels great! I love the results! My elbows still need more treatment, but I don’t think I’m going to try that again anytime soon.